I’m confident, intelligent, gorgeous, fit, attractive, independent, & I’m 21yrs old! But for my bonus, I AM NOT A MOTHER! What a beautiful combination! I have my freedom & I’m enjoying my life! There’s not a day that goes by that I’m getting hit on by guys or just given compliments as I make my way to college or out & about. I’m focused but still manage to date guys as I’m accelerating my 4yr degree in 3yrs…with honors I might add! 😉 Plus I was able to save up over $25,000 so I quit my job to focus on my last year of college & I can say, “I was doing the darn thang!”
Now on the flipside, I have this lingering relationship from 4yrs ago that I have yet to completely end for the last 2yrs. (We all know how challenging that can be when strong emotions are involved…oh the struggle!!) I thought I was in love & was on an emotional journey to get over the hurt while ironically keeping this guy around. In my inexperienced mind, my rationalizations were to keep him around only to get answers, stroke my ego, but then I maintained the understanding that we were no longer an exclusive couple (YES I GOT CHEATED ON & I was NEVER going to work things out with him). That’s how I justified getting past my hurt & out of depression. That was my 1st real relationship as a young adult so I didn’t know how to forgive & move on.
So a few months before my graduation, I had this out of the blue desire to have a baby!! Thinking back, me wanting a baby… I had to trace it back to where it was rooted from. Although I had a great childhood, I had certain experiences where I didn’t feel loved from the people closest to me. Whether intentionally or not, those loved ones caused me to hurt. I was vulnerable & internalized those experiences which this breakup was the final pain for me. I wanted to have that pure unconditional love towards me & I was willing to become a single parent just to have that bond & loving connection with my child.
By then I was completely out of love at this point yet, selfishly wanted a child. My ex was the “chosen” one since I had history with him & was the only one I’ve ever loved. My ex knew what I wanted, even with my out of state plans after graduating, & even us not being a “family”. Moving was exciting but still had me feeling very uncomfortable–to pick up & leave everything & everyone behind while starting a new life. But I knew I needed that move to create space, peace, & my happiness for myself!
Let me back up, about a year ago I was NOT entertaining kids! Here’s my mindset as it relates to having kids. So I have 2 childhood friends I’m sharing an apartment with–as we called it, “a bachelorette pad”– & there was one evening we were discussing how the burden of single parenting always fall with the mother!! UGH! I boldly stated, not me because I’ll be THAT ONE who tells the father, “I’m going to the store & NEVER returning!!” Try that for getting me stuck! I disapproved of the father being able to live freely while the mother had to make adjustments. At that time I had 2 single parent friends & ALL of my friends including me, were products of single mothers raising them! I used to joke saying, if you had a father…we can’t be friends. Like what is a father & who has that in their lives??! LOL The sad truth. By the way, my mom was married, I had my father actively in my life until 12yrs then they separated. Also my older sister’s boyfriend got killed & now she’s left with a 3yr old daughter. Even in my neighborhood growing up, all examples of families (with the exception of 2), I was surrounded by solo mothers with their children living with them.
Well now I graduate & when I moved, initially I didn’t think I got pregnant. But 2wks later I find myself feeling anxious waiting for my period! It never came & my moment of truth left me with intense butterflies in my stomach going to buy a pregnancy test & wide eyes staring at those 4 lines from the 2 tests I’ve taken!! I was having a surreal moment…my breathing changed, my heart was beating fast, & I was experiencing silent joy for the 1st time! My joy was silent because this was a life altering decision to make and naturally I didn’t know what to expect…but I remained scared and excited for my life moving forward!!